Just to preface, I haven’t read anything about Phil Gramm calling the United States a Nation of Whiners; I’ve just read the headlines. That being said, I have no idea what case Gramm was making when he said those words, but I’d like to point out a few of the reasons why I feel like the sissy’s in our country are a bunch of whiners.

1. When there isn’t a Starbucks near by and American’s have to settle for Royal Cup, I swear to goodness it’s like watching a prison riot break out. American’s are so spoiled all the way down to their Double Shot Espresso’s® that they feel belittled if someone anywhere serves them something other than Starbucks. (BTW, I’m one of those spoiled Americans)
2. I was watching the Discovery Channel the other day and they were doing a special episode on the hunt for Bigfoot. Everyone that was interviewed was crying on the camera; “Oh, WHY oh WHY can’t we find big foot? GLOBAL WARMING is going to cause him to DIE and we need to save him before a giant plume of nuclear smoke engulfs his habitat and burns his hairy arms into a heaping pile of fruity-smelling flesh!” I swear, that’s what these people were saying. Whiners. I’m a total advocate of nuking Bigfoot and his children. Because he has like 14 kids. Someone told me that one time and I absolutely believe it.
3. I travel a lot in my line of work, so I get to see a variety of people from all over the country react to traffic situations and driving patterns and behaviors. EVERYWHERE I go, people are WHINING about the way I drive. I mean, really. ME! OK, so I guess whiners all over the country don’t appreciate my leisurely method of driving on the interstate. But you know what, I’m not about to pollute this planet more than it has to be polluted and so I will drive 35 miles per hour on any interstate I want to! Screw you and the Hummer you road in on buddy! Pal! This old nun FLEW past me one day and flipped me off. A NUN! A woman who is MARRIED TO JESUS! All because I don’t want to ruin my planet. You’d think that’s something Jesus would want us to do. Whiners.
4. Children. I mean, they freaking cry all the time. What do babies have to whine about? What, gassy stomach?? SCREW YOU! Ugh. Makes me sick.
5. Homeless people are CONSTANTLY whining. I disagree with this because I don’t have compassion for their plight. I appreciate the fact that they’re always looking to get their buzz on and everything, but sniffing all that spray paint? Not cool dude. Evidently that makes you whine a lot. Homeless people stink anyway. Eww.
6. White people are always whining!!! They’re always so compassionate about the little man. The brown man. The black man. The mestizo man. Blah Blah BLAH! Here’s a note to all the white people in the world: people who are different than you (as in different skin color or ethnicity) actually CAN function on their own without your help and proactive attempt to somehow look down on another’s culture in order to prop them up. For example; Michelle and Barack Obama. Both of them are black and both have risen from the cold, desolate Chicago streets to lead our nation into a socialist nuclear holocaustic hell! I mean, sheesh people!
7. Non-smokers. It’s a weird thing as a conservative person to hear other conservatives talk about smoking and smoking in private establishments. These conservatives I talk to are generally all about personal freedoms and rights, UNLESS it involves smoking. Evidently, every conservative has a mental asterisk when it comes to personal freedoms with tiny text at the bottom of their abdula oblongata which says “This unalienable right simply doesn’t apply to tobacco consumption“. Here’s a news flash to you conservative hacks who don’t think we should be allowed to smoke in PRIVATE business establishments: You’re A Whining Asshat!
8. Tony Stewart. I don’t know much about Nascar, but every time I see this guy on ESPN, he’s whining about something. “Ohh! Someone ran your car into a concrete wall going 2,765 miles per hour, Tony???” WHINER! I hate you.
9. Women who’s boyfriends or husbands give them flowers are whiners. Here’s why. I buy my wife flowers and it’s all great. I mean, who doesn’t want to spend $75 on a bundle of potpourri smelling self-germinating vagina’s? Well, haha. I certainly do! But the thing is, flowers have a tenancy to die. Technically, they’re dead when you get them, but have a magical ability of looking fresh and pretty for a period of time. And then the fateful day comes and the flowers are sagging and pedals are laying on the kitchen table. Ah, the rot is starting to set in, and that one-time lovely fragrance is turning into the equivalent of smelling like my dog’s piss. And as a stark contrast from the day I presented my better half with flowers and it was like she won the lottery, she now whines because they’re dying a slow, rotten and smelly death. And then you get to hear about how beautiful they were, in a complete and total whining tone and it makes me want to shoot myself in the head, pick up the pieces of brain and skull which flew all over the wall, put it back on my head and blow it all off again.
10. People who want an iPhone but don’t have one are the worst whiners in the world. I mean, I WANT AN iPHONE BUT NO!OOOO!!!OOO!!! STUPID AT&T HAS THE CONTRACT WITH APPLE AND VERIZON DOESN’T AND I’M STUCK IN THIS FREAKING TWO YEAR CONTRACT SO I CAN’T SWITCH AND MY WIFE IS ON MY PLAN NOW WHICH EXTENDS MY CONTRACT ANOTHER TWO YEARS AND BY THE TIME MY CONTRACT IS OVER, OUR COUNTRY WILL HAVE PROBABLY BEEN BLOWN UP IN A SERIES OF NUCLEAR BLASTS AND THE SHORT TIME I WAS ALIVE AND ON THIS PLANET I COULD HAVE HAD AN IPHONE BUT NOOOOOO AT&T IS THE ONLY CARRIER IN THE UNITED STATES AND IT’S NOT FAIR AND I WANT A DAMN IPHONE AND I HATE EVERYONE WHO HAS ONE BECAUSE I WANT IT I WANT IT I WANT IT!!!

And that concludes my top 10 reasons why American’s are whiners.